i just got two words to say to all of you......PRELIMS SUCKS!!!!! seriously........ i think i am not gonna do well at all....... almost every paper i left the hall with a long face or with a "shit sia" face........ even my POA sucks........ the subject i'm aiming to lower down my aggregate....... sucks man reali......... well at last i can get some rest and sleep........ tomorrow there's no skul for me but to those who have gd luck yah like faris pul and ariff....... you three fuckers try ur best aite........ hahhaha encouragement from a fellow band member.......
so yah maybe before the o level i will be half dead coz for some reason i'm stress......... really!!!!!!! haiz what to do rite??? this is life..........
relationship wise....... i'm still hoping for the best........ waiting everyday.......
a short update from joey!!!!
count to ten.
6:54 PM
6:54 PM
Friday, September 16, 2005 >> During the process
yeah today is a friday.......16 Sept.....and it still hurts.........i'm still not fully okay......... i'm still not over it........children,today we are gonna learn a word call 'still'.........an example of the uses of this word......i am still in love with you........this is an example........
like i was saying it still hurts........ and the worse thing is that it does not hurt a little........ it hurts a lot........... and i mean a lot........... the scar of my heart doesn't seem to be healing......... eventhough i may look okay on the outside.........to be honest i'm not inside.......... it hurts so much that it has left me to listen to malay oldskul emoish love songs......... and let me tell you it's not bad at all.... eventhough i know i shouldn't but i can't help it........... this is the only place i can just say what i wanna say......... shouting doesn't work anymore......... crying won't help......... mourning will make it worse........ i'm trying believe me i'm trying to let this be okay with me but it is just so damn hard.......... and the pain is so real......... you can as if feel that your heart is really bleeding........
i know i shouldn't but i do.......
you know what.......
i still love you........
your still in my mind always.........
i'm losng grip of myself........ i can't sleep with this on my mind......... i don't see it in other gerls like what i see in you.........i feel something when i'm looking at you but i just don't feel it when i look at other gerls.........your the gerl that i alwaes wanted....... the gerl i've been looking for....... i know i shouldn't say all this......... i shouldn't feel this way.......... but i don't want TO LIE TO MYSELF!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO PUSH THIS FEELING ANYMORE COZ THE FACT STILL REMAINS.........I STILL FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!
jOEY TRyING TO COPE WITHOUT YOU........IT'S HARD..... WHAT I SAID ALL THIS WHILE TO YOU I MEAN IT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY........
count to ten.
5:51 PM
5:51 PM
Monday, September 12, 2005 >> The Aftermath
This is my first posting eversince the miraculous holiday that i had..........further seems forever...... don't ask me what it means coz i don't even know.......
Well after a hectic week........i am finally okay........ ready again to face the torments and pains...... to face what i faced before i met her........ back to my old self....... the self that not many people like to see.......hahahhah am i rite fariss??? yeah but i'll try to tone down all of my shenanigans...... haiz...... what to do rite???
you can mourn and cry all you want.........but will it do you any good??? NO!!!!! I'M TRYING VERY HARD TO MOVE FROM THE MEMORY OF THE sEPT HOILDAES...... but i am not yet over her.... i'm not expecting to be over her soon........it isn't easy as it said to be........... furthermore she seats beside me in class but i don't care........ i don't care if i have to see her every weekday....... i don't care if it breaks my heart looking at her........ the one thing that i got from this all is SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND BE MATURE ABOUT IT AND ACCEPT IT........and tha's what i'm doing........
why??? why??? why am i like this??? it's because this is what i call moving on........ everytime i think about her........i slap myself with the promise that i made.......[The promise that i will try my best to uphold]........i don't want to make things worse........ i don't want to force anything upon her........i am gonna let things happen by itself.........i'm living each day just at it is meant to be lived............
so this is what i call tact????? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
count to ten.
6:02 PM
6:02 PM
Monday, September 05, 2005 >> I don't know...i just don't know....
it's been a rough weekend for me..... it's the longest and most unforgettable weekend ever... i promise........firstly i wanna apologise to sutiana for letting the whole world know about our break up thru this blog of mine......
indeed rough times for the both of us....... i tried my best to convince you........ telling all your friends to convince you ........ but in the end you still stick with what you think is best....... talked to my friends but it's still up to me......Mdm Mariam also helped somehow with this but even she can't reverse this heartache of mine.... only one gerl can........so hear me out........like we said it's like two separate contracts that each signed on diff papers not agreeing to one.......
i cried the whole dae when you said you don't love me anymore....... and today you told me that the reason is actually you don't want to hurt me further....... you don't want to hurt me by having me in a r'ship where i love u so much but you don't.......you don't want me to fall in the future eventhough i said to you rite now i hav fallen so low that it doesn't get any lower than this.........and you think it's best that we separate now than doing it later....... i have never accepted this break up and never will......but whats left for me to do??? i feel like i'm dead when you left......
what's left for me to do??? i tried my best it wasn't enough........you still wanted to leave....... how can i accept it........you were the best thing that has ever happen to me.........i don't know what else to say.......... somethings are to good to be true....... but i am hoping someday somehow you'll come back to me my dear....... never once did i ever hate you........ never once did i ever bad-mouth you........maybe all good things do come to an end.......... i need to pick myself up now more than ever........
quote a phrase by saiful fazrie "It's a shame but i support your choice bro."
quote from Mdm mariam "you know when it's good when you see one"
quote from Matchbook Romance "I feel like i lost everything when you're gone"
lastly i would like to thank all the people that has been there for me...... ALL OF MY FRIENDS YOU SHOULD KNOW WHO YOU ARE............to also Mdm Mariam & Cikgu Filza....Special thanks to Saiful Fazrie, Shafiq, Firdaus.........you people are the best............THANK YOU.........hanya tuhan boleh balas budi baik korang seme..........
Finally,would like to thank SUTIANA for all the hugs & kisses......... for all the motivation... for making me to a better guy......thank you for making me realise who i was actually....... thank you for giving me hope........ thank you for coming into my life...... thank you for the lovebites & dissapoinments(one of my poems btw)..... thank you for being my inspiration...... giving me inspiration for writing the best song i ever wrote in my entire life... a song called i rather talk to you........thank you so much..... hanya tuhan boleh balas budi baik u........... so i guess this is it..........
..........BYE........SAIFUL JOHAN SUKRI...........
count to ten.
5:30 PM
5:30 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2005 >> hey hey
yah i know i am boring..... i am an idiotic guy...... i guess this is the only place i can go..... running away from my life....... lately so many shouts here and there....arguments here and there...... water flowing down from my eyes.........i guess i'm not okay....... and i don't wanna talk...... i rather talk to you....i rather talk to her.......what if i can't anymore??? who would i talk to then........ why am i saiful johan???? sometimes i just hate him......... hate him bcoz of who he is........he's fat.......ugly........ lame........nt funny.......stupid........a hopeless romantic..........too nice....... why am i like this??? people all around happy and i'm here putting on a fake smile......... what if i can't hold her anymore??? who am i going to hold????????? if she's gone i bet my life would be out of control........sumpah aku tgh tk betul...........this is life.....full of torment and sorrow.........how can i seize the day???? i need you dear!!!!! someone shoot me.....kill me....rip me apart.......throw away my heart.......
masa-masa gini lah kamu harus ingat kepada tuhan untuk dapat ketenteraman minda dan diri..... i am so contradicting rite now......let me be.....
fuck the hiatus thing.........
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5:31 PM
5:31 PM
